by frommyheart (NY)

For the past two weeks I have been agonizing over my appointment to have an abortion today, psyching myself out, making myself sick. Not due to the fact that I was afraid I would regret my decision, just because I was afraid of the whole process. I was scared of a dirty hole in the wall clinic, mean staff that would rush me through, and worst case scenario where I would have unbelievable pain and bleeding.

I decided I wanted to find somewhere to share my story after my procedure, because I, like most of you who are searching for experiences online, wasn’t so much as interested in if someone felt bad after or not, if they regretted their decision and fell into depression (because I was set in my choice) I more so was looking for who was having the same exact procedure as me, how scary it was, how much it hurt, what would I expect afterwards. And because of all the agony I put MYSELF through waiting for this appointment, I wanted to let anyone know who is contemplating abortion, or who has an up and coming appointment, RELAX! Pleaseeee, relax, it’s nowhere near as bad as you’re making yourself think.

I’ll start from the very beginning.

It’s not unusual for me to be a week or so late for my period, and I never have been one to freak out when I am. But when I was working and went on lunch break to go to stop and shop with a friend of mine, she asked if I wanted to go halfs on a pregnancy test cause she thought she may be. I figured why not, no hurt in having one just in case.

I didn’t take the test for two days, my boyfriend (of just over a year) was at the mall with a few friends, and when I saw the two pink lines appear on the test, I went numb. I didn’t really freak out, I just called him, had him come over and talk about our options.
I knew right from the beginning that I could not keep it. I’m 20 years old, living with my parents, he lives with his, we’re stuck in car payments we can barely afford, working a part time job as a cna busting my ass for nothing. I haven’t been to school yet, and was not ready to give up my life. That may sound selfish, but I don’t believe it is. If I have a child, they WILL be spoiled, have everything they need, have my devoted attention, and right now, I couldn’t give any of that.

I didn’t want him to think he had no choice in this, but he wouldn’t tell me what he wanted to do until I told him what my choice would be. So I told him. He said okay. I had to ask him a million times to get it out of him that he wanted to keep it, and it was as simple as that sentence. No emotion from him, nothing.

We scheduled a doctor’s appointment to confirm with a blood test. The doc came in and said he had some “wild news”, I was pregnant. I broke down. I was devastated I was in this situation. It was the week before the holidays, and the blood test just confirmed all my slight hopes that maybe the home test was a false positive, maybe I did it wrong, maybe it was an evaporation line. It didn’t help the doctor was my boyfriends fathers drinking buddy.

I scheduled my appointment at Planned Parenthood. I didn’t really know where else to turn, everytime I googled abortion clinics they all were in the city.

So I went to have my first exam to find out how far along I was. Before this, I was reading a million stories online and decided I wanted to do it medically. The ultra sound revealed I was 6 weeks, 1 day.

I got through the holidays, having an appointment for the following week to return and get the pills.

During the meantime, I read more and and more stories about the pain, how long girls were bleeding, the blood clots, and the day of my appointment I called and told them I wouldn’t follow through, to schedule me for surgical. They couldn’t get me in for a week and a half. Fine, just try and live life as normal as possible.

Now waiting up until today, my boyfriend, I wouldn’t say he wasn’t supportive, but he just avoided the situation all together. Never really tried to talk about it, never really asked how I was. Never let me know what was going on inside his head. I received more support from my good friend on the phone in a ten minute conversation than I had from him for the past two weeks.

Last night, the night before, he finally broke down, telling me he just wants to keeo it so bad, it’s possible that we could do this, he doesn’t think he could live with himself after this, how he just so badly wants to be a father. That was fine and all, but it came two weeks two late and as I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for this, NOW you want MY support? Whatever, we talked a bit and went to sleep.

This morning getting ready and on the drive there I was strangely calm. I have a really bad anxiety disorder, and was surprised I wasn’t nervous the least bit. I knew I was getting an IV sedation, but my mouth was SO dry I took a few sips of water on the way there.
We arrived there, ten minutes early for my 8 am appointment. Other than the escort and the one nurse inside, we were the only ones there. We waited for them to unlock the door, checked in, she gave me a paper explaining what was happening today, what medicines I will be receiving and so on. She then called to collect my payment which me and my boyfriend split down the middle. Then I waited for another 5 minutes and they called me back.

The nurse asked me if I was sure I was set in my decision, I said absolutely, and that was that. No second questions about it, no trying to talk me out of it. She took my temperature, explained more about the medicine I will be getting.

They then brought me into the room where I was to get the ultra sound. The nurses were all wonderful, but this is when I started to get a little nervous.

She did the ultra sound vaginally, and was staring at the screen for a good five minutes with a weird look on her face and asked the other nurse who was getting my adivan (SP? for anxiety, helps to “relax”) to get the doctor to come look. Two more nurses came in, and then finally the doctor, who was wonderful. I was afraid they were going to tell me it was ectopic, but the doctor took over and told me what we have here is a failed pregnancy. There was a sac, but no fetal development.

He said from here you have three options:
1) You can go home and wait to miscarry, where you will have cramping, bleeding, and a lot of pain.
2) We can give you a medicine to kick start labor, and have you miscarry that way.
3) We continue the procedure already set in motion for today.

I chose the third option, considering I was already there, already decided I did NOT want to be home alone bleeding for who knows how long with the pain, and the fact I just paid 450 bucks for this.

They gave me the adivan, brought me into recovery where I waited about a half an hour. Now, this didn’t really make me relaxed, I definately felt out of it, but it didn’t help to calm my nerves. I went into the next room.

It looked like a regular doctors office, just larger with more equipment. I undressed again from the waste down, and as the nurse was starting my IV, the doctor said he was going to begin dilating me.

They were both talking to me, asking me what I did after I left high school and as I began to tell them, oh man, I felt that IV kick in. It had the sedative as well as pain medicine in it, and I started feeling so out of it. Not really sleepy, just.. LOOPY. Drunk almost. The doctor and nurse talked to me throughout, I barely felt ANY cramping until the end.

About four minutes in I asked the doctor if he was still prepping me, If he had started yet and he said, “Yeah! We’re almost done!”
I couldn’t believe it. I was expecting to be able to feel everything happening inside me, I didn’t feel a thing. I expected to hear some loud suction thing, nothing, totally silent. At the very end I felt a lot of pressure and uncomfortable cramping, the nurse told me that’s the worst of it, and then it was over. That cramping I felt wasn’t even near as bad as my period cramps!

The nurse told me how wonderful I did, how brave I was.

She helped me to get dressed and brought me into recovery again where I sat for a half an hour, they had me go check for blood, and there was NOTHING. Like, one smear of blood, nothing. I felt no cramping. They told me I was good to go.

Walked out to the waiting room to find my boyfriend sleeping, and left and went home, ate a banana, took my first dose of antibiotic and fell asleep for a good 5 hour nap.

I woke up about an hour ago, still like NO bleeding on the pad, haven’t had to change it yet, there’s more blood when I pee but not much. I still have no cramping (crosses fingers) and I feel like my old self.

I wanted to write this because I psyched myself out SO much for this. I know everything depends on where to go for the procedure, how nice and caring the staff are, and how you tolerate pain as a woman. But this experience for me, I was HAPPY when I walked out of there, almost excited because of how easily this went.

I know this isn’t the case with everyone, but I was so relieved to have learned that this was a failed pregnancy, it helps coping with the fact that I had planned to do this so much easier. I wouldn’t have regretted otherwise, but of course I would feel bad time to time.
For anyone considering this, and trying to decide between the pill and the surgical, go for the surgical. Get it all done in one shot, no more worries, no being alone, no being sick, it’s really NOT bad at ALL. You should be more nervous going to the dentist to get a tooth pulled, or a cavity filled, honestly.

I didn’t really go much into the emotional aspect of this, but if that’s what you’ve come here looking for, post a comment and I will gladly talk to you.

I had to go through this emotionally alone, and somewhat shut off my emotions, but they are still there, just feel no need to talk about it here.

It is very important you have someone that really connects with you, and gets you to go through this with you, because the WORST part is the waiting, and that’s when you’re gonna need someone the most.

If you don’t have that, relax, don’t freak yourself out, and you will get through it. Easy peasy.

With love, always, <333

by Vanessa (IN)

I found out about a clinic, Capital Care Network, online and decided after thinking about my decision to go ahead and call and make an appointment.  The staff was so caring and the girls in the waiting room were very open and shared their stories and it helped to make the decision a lot easier to deal with and accept.  We are not alone in this.  Now I was a highly against abortion and downed people for doing it, but after I was in a situation I realized… wow, this can really be a choice that can change a persons life and no one should be judged for it.

I’m a 26 yr old mother of 3 beautiful girls and when I found out I was expecting again, I knew it wasn’t the right with school and all the things going on in my life.  So at 9 weeks 1 day I went into the clinic at my scheduled time and waited after getting my demerol shot to go into the procedure room.  The nurse was so caring, she held my hand and talked me through the procedure and I felt minimal pain.  It was more of a pressure and tugging than anything else.

After my abortion I felt relieved in a way, and I had almost no pain at all.  This was the best decision for me and I’m glad i found a place that had so many caring people in their staff to help me through this decision.  I’m at peace with what I did and I pray about it… it just happened today.  People need to fight to keep abortion safe and legal… I have daughters and know I do not want them to have to go through something or not have the choice of what they want to do with their bodies if ever faced with the same situation.  Just remember you are not alone, you are not a murderer and you are doing what is RIGHT FOR YOU.  Talk about it, join a support group if you feel you need to and keep your head high.  You will get through this and things will be fine.  God forgives and so do we.  I know not all believe in a higher power but I just wanted to post that for people that do.  Remember to always do what’s right for you, and if someone is pressuring you, know that it is YOUR decision.  This isn’t right for everyone but it can be a very good decision for a lot of people.  I wish everyone the best of luck in anything you do.

By Kat (Texas)

I had my first abortion at 17, a few weeks before my state made it mandatory for minors to inform their parent/guardian. I was smarter than average, prettier than average, but with the shit self-esteem that comes from being a teen. I’d also borne witness to a lot of family dysfunction and domestic violence. So of course, I was ripe pickin’ for a smarter than average, popular, manipulative, denigrating, and violent boy. We were the same age but he’d been skipped a grade and was in college already. He first hit me after we’d been dating a few months. He apologized, swore it wouldn’t happen again, and I believed him. After all, being smarter than average didn’t negate my upbringing. He didn’t hit constantly, just often enough to remind me. We had unprotected sex on a few occasions, though generally it was protected. I got pregnant. When I told him about it, he locked me in his room in an otherwise empty dormitory (it was over the summer, and he was such a great guy he’d been given this position of running facets of freshmen orientation for the incoming students). While I was locked in there for two days he beat me worse than ever and added rape to his repertoire. When he slept I got the keys from him and got out, then walked a few miles on broken toes to a friend’s house (he was clever in his abuse, so he rarely hurt me in casually visible spots). I didn’t have money to entirely pay for the abortion myself, so I had to steal half of it from him. He didn’t react well. It led to some chase scenes through the streets as he was hunting me down. But I did successfully get away from him and get the abortion, and I was incredibly grateful for it. It didn’t hurt, and the staff was so kind. I recovered for a couple of days at my friend’s. The sister of my friend wound up telling people about seeing me battered and recovering, so eventually all of our mutual friends dropped him from our social circle once they learned of it.

While I did not magically develop self-respect overnight, it certainly paved the way. I was able to start college myself a few weeks later and I didn’t stop until I got my Master’s. I’m currently pursuing my Ph. D. part-time with a burgeoning career in a field I love. Most likely none of this would have happened had I not aborted. In fact, I would probably have stayed with him at least a few years more, worked menial jobs, and lived with the abuse, all while he received his degree from his ritzy college. And then our kid could have borne witness to the dysfunction and violence, no doubt experiencing plenty of the beatings first-hand. When the marriage was over I would be left as the sole care-taker of a small child, I would have no higher education, I would have little valuable job skills, and I would have no sense of self-worth. Of course, this would have made me ripe pickin’ for the next manipulative asshole who came along. Which would have completely replicated my mother’s experience as a teen mom.

Since then, I have had one miscarriage and one more abortion. I have been so thankful for all three stopped pregnancies (while not my incredible fertility). I’ve made the decision to not have kids, though I’m a very involved aunt and godmother. And although often it has been an awful, chaotic mess, I now love my life. I am exactly where I want to be.

by Annyon Miss (British Columbia)

I’m 40 now, and had an abortion over 10 years ago.  I was embarrassed at the time to have become pregnant, as I am a nurse, and nurses should ‘know better’.  Just proves anyone can make a mistake!

I get really annoyed when people try to guilt women about abortions by saying things like ‘you might never have another baby’ or ‘how can you kill little Johny’s sibling’.  It was early in my relationship, and, had I carried to term, I probably would have wound up a single mom.  I certainly would not have the two beautiful children that I have today.

I always knew that I only wanted two children, and, had I carried the first pregnancy to term, I would not have even conceived my beautiful daughter four years ago.  There is no way that I can justify trading my daughter for some stranger that I conceived by accident.

I strongly believe that every child has the absolute right to be wanted by both parents.  Both of my children have that.

Thanks, abortion, for giving both my children the knowledge that they are absolutely loved and wanted by their mother and father.