by Adele (Kansas)

In 2005, when I was 17, my virginity was robbed from me. I have gotten used to the idea that there are two of me: the one before the event, and me after the event. It happened when I was in high school, just months before graduation. I kept it a secret for years, because I felt like I had done something horrible.

Since I had been diagnosed with high functioning autism as an elementary schooler and struggle with social cues, I assumed all of his abuse was my fault. I have a hard time with body language, and he knew that, given that he was my boyfriend for months before the first offense happened. He took advantage of me anyway. The first time it happened, I said, “I’m not interested in sex.” I wanted to wait until I was married. He backed me into a corner, forced me to take some very strong prescription pain pills that pretty much knocked me unconscious, and disrobed me.

He had sex with me in spite of my wishes. The term “rape” was definitely not a word I used often; I don’t think I even knew what it meant at the time. Early the next morning, I drove to the nearest bakery, bought a cup of coffee, and sat in the booth looking out the window and cried. “What in the world just happened?” I thought to myself. I felt so disgusting that I thought everyone could read it on my forehead. All I wanted to do was take a hot bath. I came home and soaked myself in a tub for hours.

The horror continued throughout my last semester of high school. My abuser told everyone that it was something he really wanted to do with me, because he “loved” me. That was what I told everyone else too. I thought it was consensual. I finished my high school education completely oblivious to the fact that a felony had been committed against me. At 17, I just thought that it was unwanted sex. Secretly, I blamed my autism and myself: I thought it was “my fault” because I “wasn’t good socially”. To me, at the time, it wasn’t rape; it was just “bad sex”.

Something similar happened again a few months later when I started college. He kept prodding me for sexual activity. I wasn’t really interested at the time. “I really like you, but maybe later,” I said. It happened anyway. Several weeks later, in January 2006, I found out I was pregnant and my dad and I decided I’d have a medical abortion. This abusive man had sex with me repeatedly for two years before we finally broke up without asking my permission; and because of the intensity of the domestic violence present in our relationship, even psychologically, I could never freely say no. I am pretty sure a piece of me died then. I have spent the last four years trying to rebuild a life for myself.

Shortly after I turned 21 in 2008, a friend referred me to the rape center on my college center. Through the help of the Advocate at the center, I went from saying, “I had sex with him,” and finally learned how to say, “He raped me.” At the time, it was one of the worst things that had ever happened to me.

After therapy for about a year, I volunteered with the center and decided to raise awareness with a college group dedicated to the issue, until I resigned in late March 2010 due to graduation stresses.

Throughout my volunteer time, I realized that I wanted to help women who have experienced date rape (or any other kind of sexual crime, for that matter). In college, I became passionate about spreading awareness about the issues of sexual/domestic violence and abortion. Ultimately, music, my major at the time, became a field of study that I was pursuing only because I was nearly finished with it.

After I graduated college in May 2010, I spent a year in seminary in my hometown. I thought that a seminary degree would help me the most with helping other survivors. I left seminary, and started working as a Volunteer Advocate at a local nonprofit rape crisis center. Through that organization, I now speak publicly about my experience.

When I was in college, this was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Almost 2 years after my last therapy session for the rape, I have turned the bad into something good. Through the rape, I lost my youth, but have gained the ability to live more spiritually, live life to the fullest, and have a deeper compassion for others. I’ve grown into a woman that I am proud to call my friend, autistic disorder or not.

Presently, I am hoping to become a social worker. My career goal today is to work in the area of policy advocacy for an organization that works to prevent sexual and domestic violence and strives to keep abortion legal.

Ultimately, I would like to professionally spread awareness about these issues in various communities and legislative bodies. I want to educate others and reduce stigma that surrounds talking about these serious matters. My experience with rape, abortion, and the role that my advocates and therapists played in my healing made a profound impact on who I am today, and I really like that person. I only hope that one day I can provide as much hope and compassion to others as my advocate and therapists provided me.

by frommyheart (NY)

For the past two weeks I have been agonizing over my appointment to have an abortion today, psyching myself out, making myself sick. Not due to the fact that I was afraid I would regret my decision, just because I was afraid of the whole process. I was scared of a dirty hole in the wall clinic, mean staff that would rush me through, and worst case scenario where I would have unbelievable pain and bleeding.

I decided I wanted to find somewhere to share my story after my procedure, because I, like most of you who are searching for experiences online, wasn’t so much as interested in if someone felt bad after or not, if they regretted their decision and fell into depression (because I was set in my choice) I more so was looking for who was having the same exact procedure as me, how scary it was, how much it hurt, what would I expect afterwards. And because of all the agony I put MYSELF through waiting for this appointment, I wanted to let anyone know who is contemplating abortion, or who has an up and coming appointment, RELAX! Pleaseeee, relax, it’s nowhere near as bad as you’re making yourself think.

I’ll start from the very beginning.

It’s not unusual for me to be a week or so late for my period, and I never have been one to freak out when I am. But when I was working and went on lunch break to go to stop and shop with a friend of mine, she asked if I wanted to go halfs on a pregnancy test cause she thought she may be. I figured why not, no hurt in having one just in case.

I didn’t take the test for two days, my boyfriend (of just over a year) was at the mall with a few friends, and when I saw the two pink lines appear on the test, I went numb. I didn’t really freak out, I just called him, had him come over and talk about our options.
I knew right from the beginning that I could not keep it. I’m 20 years old, living with my parents, he lives with his, we’re stuck in car payments we can barely afford, working a part time job as a cna busting my ass for nothing. I haven’t been to school yet, and was not ready to give up my life. That may sound selfish, but I don’t believe it is. If I have a child, they WILL be spoiled, have everything they need, have my devoted attention, and right now, I couldn’t give any of that.

I didn’t want him to think he had no choice in this, but he wouldn’t tell me what he wanted to do until I told him what my choice would be. So I told him. He said okay. I had to ask him a million times to get it out of him that he wanted to keep it, and it was as simple as that sentence. No emotion from him, nothing.

We scheduled a doctor’s appointment to confirm with a blood test. The doc came in and said he had some “wild news”, I was pregnant. I broke down. I was devastated I was in this situation. It was the week before the holidays, and the blood test just confirmed all my slight hopes that maybe the home test was a false positive, maybe I did it wrong, maybe it was an evaporation line. It didn’t help the doctor was my boyfriends fathers drinking buddy.

I scheduled my appointment at Planned Parenthood. I didn’t really know where else to turn, everytime I googled abortion clinics they all were in the city.

So I went to have my first exam to find out how far along I was. Before this, I was reading a million stories online and decided I wanted to do it medically. The ultra sound revealed I was 6 weeks, 1 day.

I got through the holidays, having an appointment for the following week to return and get the pills.

During the meantime, I read more and and more stories about the pain, how long girls were bleeding, the blood clots, and the day of my appointment I called and told them I wouldn’t follow through, to schedule me for surgical. They couldn’t get me in for a week and a half. Fine, just try and live life as normal as possible.

Now waiting up until today, my boyfriend, I wouldn’t say he wasn’t supportive, but he just avoided the situation all together. Never really tried to talk about it, never really asked how I was. Never let me know what was going on inside his head. I received more support from my good friend on the phone in a ten minute conversation than I had from him for the past two weeks.

Last night, the night before, he finally broke down, telling me he just wants to keeo it so bad, it’s possible that we could do this, he doesn’t think he could live with himself after this, how he just so badly wants to be a father. That was fine and all, but it came two weeks two late and as I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for this, NOW you want MY support? Whatever, we talked a bit and went to sleep.

This morning getting ready and on the drive there I was strangely calm. I have a really bad anxiety disorder, and was surprised I wasn’t nervous the least bit. I knew I was getting an IV sedation, but my mouth was SO dry I took a few sips of water on the way there.
We arrived there, ten minutes early for my 8 am appointment. Other than the escort and the one nurse inside, we were the only ones there. We waited for them to unlock the door, checked in, she gave me a paper explaining what was happening today, what medicines I will be receiving and so on. She then called to collect my payment which me and my boyfriend split down the middle. Then I waited for another 5 minutes and they called me back.

The nurse asked me if I was sure I was set in my decision, I said absolutely, and that was that. No second questions about it, no trying to talk me out of it. She took my temperature, explained more about the medicine I will be getting.

They then brought me into the room where I was to get the ultra sound. The nurses were all wonderful, but this is when I started to get a little nervous.

She did the ultra sound vaginally, and was staring at the screen for a good five minutes with a weird look on her face and asked the other nurse who was getting my adivan (SP? for anxiety, helps to “relax”) to get the doctor to come look. Two more nurses came in, and then finally the doctor, who was wonderful. I was afraid they were going to tell me it was ectopic, but the doctor took over and told me what we have here is a failed pregnancy. There was a sac, but no fetal development.

He said from here you have three options:
1) You can go home and wait to miscarry, where you will have cramping, bleeding, and a lot of pain.
2) We can give you a medicine to kick start labor, and have you miscarry that way.
3) We continue the procedure already set in motion for today.

I chose the third option, considering I was already there, already decided I did NOT want to be home alone bleeding for who knows how long with the pain, and the fact I just paid 450 bucks for this.

They gave me the adivan, brought me into recovery where I waited about a half an hour. Now, this didn’t really make me relaxed, I definately felt out of it, but it didn’t help to calm my nerves. I went into the next room.

It looked like a regular doctors office, just larger with more equipment. I undressed again from the waste down, and as the nurse was starting my IV, the doctor said he was going to begin dilating me.

They were both talking to me, asking me what I did after I left high school and as I began to tell them, oh man, I felt that IV kick in. It had the sedative as well as pain medicine in it, and I started feeling so out of it. Not really sleepy, just.. LOOPY. Drunk almost. The doctor and nurse talked to me throughout, I barely felt ANY cramping until the end.

About four minutes in I asked the doctor if he was still prepping me, If he had started yet and he said, “Yeah! We’re almost done!”
I couldn’t believe it. I was expecting to be able to feel everything happening inside me, I didn’t feel a thing. I expected to hear some loud suction thing, nothing, totally silent. At the very end I felt a lot of pressure and uncomfortable cramping, the nurse told me that’s the worst of it, and then it was over. That cramping I felt wasn’t even near as bad as my period cramps!

The nurse told me how wonderful I did, how brave I was.

She helped me to get dressed and brought me into recovery again where I sat for a half an hour, they had me go check for blood, and there was NOTHING. Like, one smear of blood, nothing. I felt no cramping. They told me I was good to go.

Walked out to the waiting room to find my boyfriend sleeping, and left and went home, ate a banana, took my first dose of antibiotic and fell asleep for a good 5 hour nap.

I woke up about an hour ago, still like NO bleeding on the pad, haven’t had to change it yet, there’s more blood when I pee but not much. I still have no cramping (crosses fingers) and I feel like my old self.

I wanted to write this because I psyched myself out SO much for this. I know everything depends on where to go for the procedure, how nice and caring the staff are, and how you tolerate pain as a woman. But this experience for me, I was HAPPY when I walked out of there, almost excited because of how easily this went.

I know this isn’t the case with everyone, but I was so relieved to have learned that this was a failed pregnancy, it helps coping with the fact that I had planned to do this so much easier. I wouldn’t have regretted otherwise, but of course I would feel bad time to time.
For anyone considering this, and trying to decide between the pill and the surgical, go for the surgical. Get it all done in one shot, no more worries, no being alone, no being sick, it’s really NOT bad at ALL. You should be more nervous going to the dentist to get a tooth pulled, or a cavity filled, honestly.

I didn’t really go much into the emotional aspect of this, but if that’s what you’ve come here looking for, post a comment and I will gladly talk to you.

I had to go through this emotionally alone, and somewhat shut off my emotions, but they are still there, just feel no need to talk about it here.

It is very important you have someone that really connects with you, and gets you to go through this with you, because the WORST part is the waiting, and that’s when you’re gonna need someone the most.

If you don’t have that, relax, don’t freak yourself out, and you will get through it. Easy peasy.

With love, always, <333

by Vanessa (IN)

I found out about a clinic, Capital Care Network, online and decided after thinking about my decision to go ahead and call and make an appointment.  The staff was so caring and the girls in the waiting room were very open and shared their stories and it helped to make the decision a lot easier to deal with and accept.  We are not alone in this.  Now I was a highly against abortion and downed people for doing it, but after I was in a situation I realized… wow, this can really be a choice that can change a persons life and no one should be judged for it.

I’m a 26 yr old mother of 3 beautiful girls and when I found out I was expecting again, I knew it wasn’t the right with school and all the things going on in my life.  So at 9 weeks 1 day I went into the clinic at my scheduled time and waited after getting my demerol shot to go into the procedure room.  The nurse was so caring, she held my hand and talked me through the procedure and I felt minimal pain.  It was more of a pressure and tugging than anything else.

After my abortion I felt relieved in a way, and I had almost no pain at all.  This was the best decision for me and I’m glad i found a place that had so many caring people in their staff to help me through this decision.  I’m at peace with what I did and I pray about it… it just happened today.  People need to fight to keep abortion safe and legal… I have daughters and know I do not want them to have to go through something or not have the choice of what they want to do with their bodies if ever faced with the same situation.  Just remember you are not alone, you are not a murderer and you are doing what is RIGHT FOR YOU.  Talk about it, join a support group if you feel you need to and keep your head high.  You will get through this and things will be fine.  God forgives and so do we.  I know not all believe in a higher power but I just wanted to post that for people that do.  Remember to always do what’s right for you, and if someone is pressuring you, know that it is YOUR decision.  This isn’t right for everyone but it can be a very good decision for a lot of people.  I wish everyone the best of luck in anything you do.