by Marie (Nevada)

I got pregnant in high school at 16, by a boyfriend I was with for about 4 years in total (11 months at the time). I remember feeling so numb when I found out, it was as if everything around me stopped. It was all I could think about, and all I could do to try to hide it from my parents. I was so completely ashamed! My sister had gotten pregnant in high school (twice!) and could not adequately care for her baby. Her careless mistake had already become a heavy burden on the family and I couldn’t imagine doing that to my parents.

I honestly never felt any sort of emotional attachment. This was something that I looked at as a problem that I needed to somehow figure out and fix on my own.

I went to a local clinic and while they repeatedly made sure I wasn’t being pressured into this decision, they really made me feel less like I was the only girl who has ever found herself pregnant in her teens. Sometimes it feels that way.

My boyfriend was pretty emotional about it, but at the same time, he had big military plans and wasn’t about to change them for anything. He did have a bit of the “women belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” type of mentality. Even though we did stay together for another 3 years after my abortion, I never had feelings of regret or any “what if…” moments.

I did have some friends who found out and really bullied me mercilessly about it. The pregnancy itself was embarrassing, but for some reason, getting the abortion was almost empowering. It felt good to know that I had control over my life, my decisions, my reproductive health. I could decide what happened next and just because I made one mistake didn’t mean I was doomed to pay for it for the rest of my life. I can only imagine how much having a baby would have held me back, even today! Its nearly 10 years later and I’m married to a wonderful, loving man and we still have put off the decision to have children. There’s so much I want to accomplish that I know I never would have been able to if I didn’t have an abortion.

I got pregnant in high school at 16, by a boyfriend I was with for about 4 years in total (11 months at the time). I remember feeling so numb when I found out, it was as if everything around me stopped. It was all I could think about, and all I could do to try to hide it from my parents. I was so completely ashamed! My sister had gotten pregnant in high school (twice!) and could not adequately care for her baby. Her careless mistake had already become a heavy burden on the family and I couldn’t imagine doing that to my parents.

I honestly never felt any sort of emotional attachment. This was something that I looked at as a problem that I needed to somehow figure out and fix on my own.
I went to a local clinic and while they repeatedly made sure I wasn’t being pressured into this decision, they really made me feel less like I was the only girl who has ever found herself pregnant in her teens. Sometimes it feels that way.

My boyfriend was pretty emotional about it, but at the same time, he had big military plans and wasn’t about to change them for anything. He did have a bit of the “women belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” type of mentality. Even though we did stay together for another 3 years after my abortion, I never had feelings of regret or any “what if…” moments.

I did have some friends who found out and really bullied me mercilessly about it. The pregnancy itself was embarrassing, but for some reason, getting the abortion was almost empowering. It felt good to know that I had control over my life, my decisions, my reproductive health. I could decide what happened next and just because I made one mistake didn’t mean I was doomed to pay for it for the rest of my life. I can only imagine how much having a baby would have held me back, even today! Its nearly 10 years later and I’m married to a wonderful, loving man and we still have put off the decision to have children. There’s so much I want to accomplish that I know I never would have been able to if I didn’t have an abortion.

By Kim (Quebec)

In 2006, I found out I was pregnant. I was in an abusive relationship and I knew that having a baby with this guy would have been a terrible mistake.

Having an abortion, was the absolute right decision for me.  I was starting my career, in a crappy relationship and at 25, I wasn’t prepared for pregnancy or motherhood.
Afterwards, I did not feel sadness or regret. I felt relieved. I was able to continue pursuing my dreams.

When I confided in some of my closest friends, they were very supportive. Some of them had also gone through the same thing.

Six years later, I am in a happy marriage (not with the abusive guy), I have a rewarding career and a beautiful new daughter.  I often think of the abortion, however I have never regretted my decision. I feel lucky to live in a place that protects the reproductive rights of women.

by Lee (Denver)

I got pregnant my Senior year of college in the midst of senior finals because I started my pill pack two days late.  I really didn’t think it was a problem to start the pack late… but knew I was pregnant before my period was even late.  I felt numb.  Even when I saw it on the ultrasound screen something in me was disconnected from it.  I was afraid that I was in denial and I was afraid to make a mistake so I waited to make the appointment.  And I had finals to focus on anyway.  This freaked my boyfriend of a year out, he never thought I’d consider having the  baby.  And his reaction then freaked me out.  The way it stood I likely had no boyfriend, I’d graduate and have no health insurance, no job, no apartment, no car.  My parents would have helped me but they are poor.  Nothing was right.  And I felt numb. Although sometimes I felt like I had cancer because this thing was growing inside me that was going to destroy my future and I was helpless to stop it.  Or was I?

I told my parents and a few close friends.  Unfortunately those close friends blabbed to other friends.  It’s like I’d been such a perfect goodie two shoes for so long they were waiting for the chance to gloat over my mistake.  Overwhelmingly I got “if anyone could do it you could” statements, even from my Dad who had been so pro-abortion which surprised me.  But what surprised me the most was my Mom’s reaction…I thought she’d want me to have the baby but she burst into tears and told me “That having her children has been the best and the hardest thing in her life and she didn’t want me to make those sacrifices in life yet.”  That is all I needed.  I didn’t want to make the best of it or prove I could do it.  I wanted to be a Mom someday but preferably when I was financially stable and married.   I made the appointment, as soon as school finals were over, made boyfriend pay for it and told him I didn’t want him to come with me.  He hadn’t been supportive lately.  Instead I took my Mom.

The clinic was sterile and the atmosphere was stressful.  I hate doctors and hospitals anyway.  One girl kept pacing around inside and outside trying to make up her mind.  Apparently it was the last day for her to do this.  I was nervous.  I had prayed to the baby to forgive me.  That I was not ready to be a mother and to come back later.  That I promised to be ready then.  They called me back and put me in a gown.  The drugs they gave me made me start crying, the first time I had since finding out.  It gave me the hiccups and the doctor had to do the procedure while I hiccuped.  It was painless and over so fast I couldn’t believe it.  A short observation period to make sure I wasn’t bleeding and then they sent me home with a little blue pill that was supposed to help my uterus cramp and clean itself out.  I promptly threw up the little blue pill.

I had arranged to house sit for my older brother and it was perfect.  It gave me a week alone to deal and figure out what was next.  Where would I live?  I needed to look for a job.    I admit that the first time after I was finally alone and I thought of the baby I realized I was alone, and that I felt alone.  I hadn’t realized how despite the emotional numbness it had been “us” for 8 weeks.  It was lonely and profoundly sad and I cried.

If I have any regrets its that I told as many people as I did that I was pregnant.  Because in retrospect I am ashamed of the abortion.  I am ashamed I got pregnant at all and had to do what I did.  But I don’t regret the decision and would do it again.  The price is that I will carry a shame and sadness with me for the rest of my life.  I can’t say that I could ever do it again…I guess I’d have to be in those shoes to know.  That said it took me and my husband (the boyfriend!) a year to get pregnant 15 years later.  I was worried that it wouldn’t happen and maybe that had been my only chance.  Or maybe I deserved infertility somehow?  But now I’m the mother to a perfect little girl, born at the perfect time in our lives.  I know how hard motherhood is.  It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I firmly believe that those that want it are better prepared emotionally.  And being better prepared financially is the best.

I am thankful that I had the option to terminate the pregnancy and will fight to assure that my daughter will have the same rights.  I will share my story with her though and hopefully she will protect herself from every having to make the choice.

by Lily (UK)

I want to share my story for other girls reading this that are or feel that they are all alone.

I’m 18 and I’ve just had an abortion today. Becoming pregnant to my best friend during our first year at university was never the plan, although I can’t say it was a surprise. I’m being honest here so I’ll admit we didn’t use contraception, we just didn’t think it would happen to us.

I unluckily enough figured it out even before I missed a period; stomach cramps and being exhausted etc. So after I’d confirmed it with a home pregnancy test I rang the family planning clinic immediately (I’m not saying that you can’t change your mind but I’ve always been of the opinion that if your having sex you should already know what you want to do if you get pregnant).

The clinic told me that I was able to refer myself to the termination of pregnancy centre in my city. Although when I rang I was told I’d have to wait 2 weeks (as they could scan at the earliest of 6 weeks).

This was by far the hardest part. Obviously the pregnancy symptoms were setting in which meant I was exhausted and getting spotty in my case. But that was not what made it so hard; it was because I was keeping it a secret from everyone. My parents started to ask if I was depressed because I slept so much and I struggled to keep the bodily changes (bigger breasts) from my friends whilst shopping.

However the day of my first appointment finally arrived. I was given a scan (just like in the movies but you don’t see your child or hear the heartbeat) and I was confirmed at 6 weeks and 3 days. I was then offered to come in 2 days later to take the first tablet of the medical abortion and then return a day after that for the rest of the tablets.

Taking the first tablet was non-descript for me, although it did cause a temperature and vomiting. However I was relieved that the process was finally underway.
Returning a day later I had nothing but a numb feeling (I think this comes from doing it in secret, although I’d been emotionally preparing myself for 2 weeks it felt very much more like a task than a life changing procedure). I inserted the rest of the tablets into my vagina, sat in the hospital bed and waited.

I didn’t have to wait long before the bleeding started (akin to the first heavy day of a period). Upon going to the toilet I felt what seemed like a solid ball about the size of a ping pong ball drop out. I was it considerable pain by this point and sick so I rang a nurse who brought me some pain killers. They were immediately effective and I can say those 5 to 10 minutes of pain was all I’ve felt through the whole process. The bleeding continued for about an hour after that until I passed something bigger (although you do not have to push at all). I read this when say thing when I was worried before hand and it didn’t make sense but I’m saying it now: when you’ve passed it you just know. After that I went and lay down and slept for about 3 hours. About an hour later a nurse came in and said I was free to go.

I walked slowly to the bus stop like nothing had happened. Some people may say that’s sad but that was my choice, I did not want a drunken mistake between friends to have an impact on my entire life so I kept it a secret and I don’t regret it. If you have someone to tell who will support you and most importantly not judge, then tell them, but my message is that if you don’t, don’t worry, make the choice that is best for you no matter what and most importantly remember that you are strong enough to do it on your own.

by Joceyln (Maryland)

I was a 20-year old junior in college when I had my abortion.  The condom broke.  Let me repeat that.  The condom broke.  I had stopped the pill about 6 months prior because I was convinced it was making me depressed and fat.

Anyway, I took so many negative pregnancy tests that by the time I had missed my period I had almost convinced myself that “it just happens sometimes.”  Whoops.  When the inevitable positive result came through, I died a little, told my roommate, and called my boyfriend.  He immediately drove 45 minutes to come and talk.

I knew that I wanted an abortion, but I was terrified he’d want us to keep the baby.  I pictured a very different, very hard life for ourselves.  But, he was so composed and supportive while I cried and railed, and we made the decision.

I am so grateful for the kind staff at the clinic.  I recall they had the same juice and cookies that the Red Cross does at Blood Drives.  I didn’t have to suffer through any protesters or last minute worries or trans-vaginal ultrasounds or whatever laws men are trying to pass today.

There were three girls in there with me that morning:  a tiny Asian girl in a white, knit hat that wouldn’t stop crying, a stoic black chick, and a white girl about my age on her 2nd abortion.  We smoked a few cigarettes together.  I remember that I was the only person dressed in actual clothes; everyone else was in sweats or PJs. They played the movie “Ghost” on a small television in one of the waiting rooms.  I’ll never forget that…I still can’t watch that movie.

I am so thankful that I had the ability to make the choice and despite what some would like to speculate, I do think about it.  All the time.  But, that doesn’t mean that it ruined my  life.  Instead, it had the opposite effect…I graduated college and was able to spend another 10 years being alive and free and spontaneous and stupid before having my own kids.

The boyfriend?  Has been “the husband” for almost 12 years.  We have two children, girls.  The “abortion” became a line item for my reproductive history when I was pregnant with my first.

Thank you, abortion.