I cannot imagine NOT having this choice

by yellow bird (US)

Hello everyone!

Firstly, let me express my gratitude to have found this amazingly positive site on the subject of abortion! Wow. 🙂

Anyway, what follows is my story. I think that many will find this story to be somewhat similiar to what they have experienced. That is what is truly so positive about this situation: you don’t have to be alone, even if your support is through the internet! And, on top of that, a lot of the stories are frighteningly close to one another.

My period is usually quite regular: 34-36 days apart. Besides this knowledge, I usually keep really great track of my periods and have tried to put my finger on being able to tell when I am ovulating and going through different stages of my cycle just by what particular day I am on and paralleling that to what my body is telling me.

Well, on this time around I got pregnant. The ironic thing is I hadn’t kept track on this particular cycle! The irony is almost scary to be perfectly honest. I was sort of waiting for my period to come and knew it should be coming up really soon (just from sort of estimating when I had gotten my period the last time). Then one night I woke up and just KNEW that I suddenly was. I was freaking out and calmed myself after a few hours. I was spending the night at my parents’ house because my car was in the shop (I currently lived with my boyfriend). I knew that I had a box of pregnancy tests in my closet and told myself to take the last one in the box when I woke up before I had to go to work.

In the morning I went to the bathroom as quietly and discreetly as I could, peed on the stick, took it back to my room and waited. When it came up positive I just sat on my bed and STARED at the thing. I just couldn’t believe it.

This was on Thursday, June 3rd, 2010. I was (and am, this was only a few weeks ago) only twenty-one years old and in University. On top of this, my boyfriend already has two kids with two different women and is seven years older than me and can barely afford to financially support them. With all these facts piled up, this was absolutely the LAST thing I wanted.

I told my boyfriend that day and we talked about keeping “it” (I don’t like to use that term but I can’t really come up with another one) for a few days. Then one day I brought up the possibility of abortion. My boyfriend and I are extremely pro choice but always thought in the back of our minds that if it happened to us that we wouldn’t be able to go through with an abortion, so I was afraid to tell him my change of heart. But, luckily, he agreed! It made the process easier.

I went to a Planned Parenthood 50 minutes away with my boyfriend a week and two days after coming up with the positive test. They were extremely nice and made me feel welcome. I took their free pregnancy test and it came up positive and after I left I called and made an appointment for a medical abortion (since I was early enough). The lady called me back and said to come in the upcoming weekend to begin the process.

I was extremely nervous all week. I could not and cannot tell my family because they do not agree with abortion: they are very pro life. I am still unsure how they would react, though. Part of me thinks that they would end up understanding that this was the better choice for my life and that accidents do happen.

The past week was EXCRUCIATINGLY slow. I was so nervous and extremely sick feeling everyday because of being pregnant. I just wanted it to be over! What made things worse was that my boyfriend, four days before the medical abortion was scheduled to begin, said he couldn’t pay for his half because he felt like he didn’t agree with the abortion anymore. I got extremely angry and walked out in a rage. I just couldn’t believe it. He said he would be there for me when I was aborting and emotionally afterwards, but that he “couldn’t put his money towards something he didn’t believe”. It all seemed contradictory to me.

The two days before the day of my medical abortion I was to go with my parents, brother, and his friend to see a play a few states away. I was relieved to spend time with my family a few days before the abortion, even if I couldn’t be honest to them about it. I didn’t really talk to my boyfriend before I left. I was too upset.

The trip was great and it took my mind off of my situation. It was just lovely. I got to think a lot on the drive there and back. I have only lived with my boyfriend since May 1st, and lived at school only this past semester, but miss being home so much. Living at home makes me feel peaceful and happy and gives me space to think and create and read, which is basically what I do in this life.

It is funny because the past month of living with my boyfriend has been turbulent and we have not been happy. I planned on moving out right before I found out I was pregnant. The week after I found out I told him my feelings and he agreed. Now that it is all over, I will be moving out over the next few weeks. My boyfriend and I are just going to see what happens to us. It sounds negative but it isn’t. We both know it is the best for us.

So, the day of the medical abortion, three weeks and two days after I “came up” pregnant, I was ready. I talked to my boyfriend and we agreed to disagree and went back to Planned Parenthood. They were, again, extremely nice and helpful. They took a sonogram and determined I was seven weeks pregnant and that I could go through with the medical abortion. They took a blood test and I talked to a really lovely counselor about my decision and she explained the whole process to me. She gave me all these papers that said exactly what to do and what to expect. I had read a lot online and already felt confident in my knowledge.

Then, after that I went upstairs and saw the doctor. She gave me the single pill, Mifiprex, in the office. This terminates the pregnancy (as I understand it). She gave me codeine for pain and a week’s worth of antibiotics. Again, she was extremely nice and emphasized that the 24 hour Emergency Hotline is there 24 hours a day for a reason! She was great.

My boyfriend and I went home and just sort of hung around. On the way home he said he felt too guilty not to pay for his half, MUCH to my relief! I was extremely nervous about taking the second set of pills, the misoprostol, but I figured I would read some stories online to feel better.

All I found was horror stories! I was freaking out! I had a panic attack for over two hours. My boyfriend called the hotline just to get information to calm me down. After that, though, I slept like a rock.

The next day, which as I’m writing this was yesterday, I took my anti-nausea medicine and a half an hour later I took the four misoprostol. This was at 1:20pm, twenty-four hours after they gave me the Mifiprex. After a half an hour of them dissolving in my mouth I swallowed what was left. Immediately afterward I started having cramps. I took some codeine right away.

The cramps escalated over the next three hours. I had a lot of diarrhea and felt very ill. I started bleeding at 3:10pm and it was somewhere between light and moderate. The doctors said to expect lots of clots but that didn’t happen with me at all. The cramps were AWFUL, though. I will not lie about that, or anything else. BUT THEY DO END. Here is what happened to me.

I went back and forth from my bed to the toilet to the shower. I felt so sick that I thought I might pass out a few times. But my boyfriend was there and gave me water and support and helped me from one place to the next. At around 4:15pm the cramps were coming in waves but I had them under control. Around ten to five these thundering ones came and I laid down on the bed on my back while my boyfriend massaged my uterus in a downward motion.

Then it came: three rushes. Right around 5 o’clock.

The cramps subsided very quickly and I just felt extremely exhausted and I let out some very relieving tears. I checked my pad and there was a lot of clearish liquid that smelt very fishy and a little clear-ish ball that I think may have been the “it” I spoke of earlier.

I laid in bed and listened to tunes for a few hours, going in and out of sleep. Then I was HUNGRY. My boyfriend made me some oatmeal and we watched some movies to pass the time into the night. I was bleeding a lot after the passing: about one regular pad every two hours. The blood is a regular looking red with brown spotting throughout.

I slept very well last night and got up and found this website. I pray that I will be alright in the upcoming weeks! My check up appointment is next Saturday morning at Planned Parenthood.

I want to conclude with just letting any woman who is reading these stories know that an abortion doesn’t have to be full of nasty and terrible feelings. I feel a bit sad of course, this situation was very complicated and scary, but I know it was the right choice for me. I cannot imagine NOT having this choice. I am SO thankful.

To all women dealing with this situation and any situation specific to woman’s experience everywhere: all the LOVE and DREAMS in the WORLD to you.

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