by Inside (Chicago)

Ladies, your abortion experience will be much more pleasant if you chose a place where the staff and doctor are caring, compassionate, and understanding of what you’re going through. Women seeking out an abortion are already going through enough emotionally (or so I’d like to think), the last thing they need is for their termination to be a traumatizing experience.

I terminated my pregnancy just yesterday, and I’m still coming to terms with my loss. And I call it a loss because there was a lot of love in my heart for this little pea in a pod. But due to my current circumstances, this child would not be able to receive the love and care that it deserved. Even following through with the pregnancy to later give up the child for adoption wasn’t an option in itself. Terminating my pregnancy was a better choice than bringing a child into the world that I could not take care of, and on the contrary of what many pro-lifers believe, it was a tough decision that I made with a sad and aching heart.

On the same day that I took my pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood, I made my appointment at a clinic for the following week, for my termination. My boyfriend and I spent the rest of that week very sad, very emotional. I had decided on a medical abortion, but after reading up on how much it hurts to pass the clots, I called the clinic back and opted for a sedated surgical termination instead. I tried not to do too much research or look too much into the development of the fetus (I was four weeks along), even though I wanted all the details on what was gonna happen to my little embryo. I spent that whole week crying and in mourning, and the worst part was not being able to tell ANYONE what was going on. Abortion is still a very much taboo topic, and telling someone you terminated your pregnancy isn’t as simple as telling them that you caught a cold. Maybe I’m just more emotional than most, but this is some pretty intense stuff for me.

So yesterday, my boyfriend and I were at the clinic at noon. I remember being calm, finally glad that the big day was here and that it would all be over with soon. The waiting room was full of men, and I waited three long hours to be seen by the counselor. She was super nice and very comforting. One fear that I had was that the staff was gonna condone my decision and try to talk me out of it, but they were super supportive. And they gave me this feeling that what they do isn’t as dreadful as I was thinking. It’s a simple medical procedure, easy as 1-2-3.

I bombarded this counselor with questions. How big or small was the embryo? Would it feel pain? What happens with the remain of the pregnancy? I asked her if I could keep the little embryo in a jar or something, but she said that the remains were sent to a lab for testing, that they just don’t discard it like nothing. That made me feel a whole lot better. I was trusting my little embryo to these people, and I felt like I was in good hands. I felt so good, in fact, that I opted to be awake during the procedure, since I wasn’t gonna hear the machine or all the sucking, and since she described the cramping during the process as “tolerable”.

After speaking with the counselor, I peed in a cup, then went to change into a blue gown-thing. I went to a room with about five other girls (they looked to be no older than eighteen or nineteen), and everybody was very quiet, very afraid. I got called in to take my height and blood pressure, then they sent me to another room for an ultrasound. This was when things turned ugly. I was just waiting on the ultrasound technician, then I suddenly heard a woman next door screaming bloody murder. She even added, “TAKE IT OUT! IT HURTS TOO MUCH!” I was really hoping that wouldn’t be me. Next, twenty minutes went by and still no technician. Then thirty. Then fourty. Finally, a nurse came into the room and apologized for the wait, but there had been a medical emergency with a patient. I felt bad for that screaming lady, she was the first person that I thought about. After a whole hour, the ultrasound technician finally came. Again, she was nice and super friendly. I told her that I didn’t want to see the ultrasound, which she was totally ok with. I then asked her about the cramping while being awake during the procedure, and she said “On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst pain imaginable, it’s about a three.” So I was confident that I could do this.

After the ultrasound, I was sent to the waiting room, where a couple of other women were waiting in their little blue gowns. I don’t remember who started talking first, but I found myself in deep conversation with them. All of us were in steady, committed relationships; we already had two or more kids, we were practicing safe sex, and our method of birth control had failed us, which lead us to sitting together in that waiting room. So, pro-lifers, take note: pro-choice people don’t go around getting abortions at the first chance they get. Many of us are caring, compassionate people that believe that when you’re pro-choice, you can very well choose life. But unfortunately, none of us could choose life that day, mostly due to circumstances beyond our control.

Due to the emergency that I described earlier, the doctor had to escort the patient to another hospital. So we waited three whole hours in that room, and we were getting hungry, antsy, anxious, angry, and impatient. I kept thinking of my boyfriend in the waiting room, wondering just what was going on. After the doc finally came back, he came into the room and apologized for what happened, and said that he was gonna prep up and get everybody started. It was already 7PM.

A nurse called me into the same room where I got my ultrasound, and said that she was gonna put local anesthesia to my cervix. Four little injections, she said, and she said that it wasn’t gonna hurt more than a bee sting. My bloody foot. Those shots hurt so bad. I was at the brink of tears. The nurse was, at the very least, nice and apologetic about it. I limped back to the waiting room, and came to find out that I was having cramps from the shot. Not too bad, but uncomfortable nonetheless.

Half an hour later, I got called in. This nurse introduced herself and asked me to lay down, and since the room was pretty chilly, she put a blanket over me. She must had seen a worried look on my face, because she asked if I was ok. I told her, “I’m just afraid this is really gonna hurt.” She told me that every woman was different, some felt a whole lot of pain while others didn’t feel a thing.” Then I asked, “If I’m feeling much more pain than I can handle, can I ask the doctor to stop and take a break?” She said that I absolutely could, which was comforting.

Then the doctor came and introduced himself, and he asked, “Are you aware that you’re gonna feel cramping during the process?” I asked him how bad exactly, and he said, “More like on the worst day of your menstrual period.” So he prepped me up, said that he was gonna begin, and began. The cramps were pretty tolerable at first, but then I was sent into he worst pain I ever felt, like someone was ripping my insides open. I screamed my head off and the tears were falling down, then the doctor stopped and had the nerve to says, “You need to stop screaming and control yourself. I’m not gonna do this procedure on you if you’re screaming.” I was shaking, crying, in distress, the nurse gave me tissues and some comfort, then I asked to be put to sleep, because the pain was much worse than I had anticipated. The douchebag doctor then said, “So you want to be put to sleep? Did you even pay for that? We’re only gonna put you under after you’ve made your payment.” I couldn’t believe this guy. Here was a patient in agony and distress, and all he could think about was getting paid.

Luckily, the nurse didn’t think twice and fetched the anesthesiologist. As soon as he came in, he said, “I heard your screams, I knew I was gonna have to come in here, so here I am, and I’m gonna take care of you.” Man, what a sweetheart. After he hooked me up to the IV, he wished me luck and walked out. I don’t remember when I fell asleep, but I do remember waking up. I heard someone say next to me, “So you opted to be put to sleep after all.” I looked to the side and saw one of the girls that I’d been talking to in the waiting room. Then the ultrasound technician came and drew this curtain to separate us, then she asked me how I was feeling. I told her how much of a douchebag the doctor was being, and that the nurse in the room was a witness, then she said that she was gonna have me speak to the supervisor. I asked her how long I’d been knocked out for, and she said only five minutes. Felt like five whole hours!

I stayed in bed for another five minutes, then a nurse helped me off the bed and gave me some granny panties with a pad. I sat in the recovery room for a bit, then I talked to the discharge nurse. I told her what had happened with the doctor, and she said that the supervisor was on her way to talk to me. I changed into my clothes, got some antibiotics, and realized that I couldn’t really believe it was all over and that I was no longer pregnant. My uterus did feel much lighter, but it kinda felt like I had forgotten on a psychological level what it’s like to not be pregnant.

I talked to the supervisor, who was appalled and how I had been treated, and guaranteed me that she was gonna speak with the doctor. I walked out of the clinic at 8:30PM. I was so glad that it was all finally over. There was no cramping, and very minimal spotting. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone thinking about a surgical abortion, please opt to be put to sleep. Pain is very easy to underestimate when you’re not going through it yourself. My termination experience would had been a million times better had I been put to sleep to begin with. So make sure you entrust your body and your emotions to nice people who care about what you’re going through. I would go to that same clinic again if given the choice, but I would NOT deal with that doctor again.

As for me, there are no regrets about my decision, but I am heartbroken that such a decision had to be made. I think of that little embryo and wonder what it would had grown into, if it was gonna be a boy or a girl, what hugging him or her would be like, what their voice would had sounded like. I feel like a part of my heart went with my little pea when I sent it back to the Universe, but since I’m a woman of great faith, I believe that little spirit is with God right now.

by Memphis (Texas)

Abortion saved my life. I have one son and have had two miscarriages and one abortion. I never thought I would have an abortion but I am pro-choice. When I found out I was pregnant in December 2011 it was a shock. See, we had tried for five years after having our son to get pregnant and it finally happened in may 2011 and ended in miscarriage in June. I immediately fell pregnant in July but miscarried in September. I was devastated so I decided 2 go on birth control. Well I got pregnant in December much to my surprise. Pregnant three times within seven months.

I was afraid but determined that this time was it! Well I immediately knew something was off because I got the flu. I couldn’t keep anything down. Not even water. I was always shaking and dizzy but I didn’t know why. I started to lose weight and I became so weak. I was so sick I couldn’t go to work and was so angry because I so miserable. I finally got well from the flu but I still couldn’t eat or drink anything. Nothing worked. I became dehydrated to the point where I didn’t even have saliva and the roof of my mouth was bleeding.

I tried to continue the pregnancy but I was attacked by the flu again. I had a fever and chills and the dehydration was getting worse. My blood pressure plummeted and I couldn’t even hold my head up! All I could do was lay in the bed, curled up n a ball crying.  I finally decided I had to terminate this pregnancy or I may die and not to mention I couldn’t take care of my son or be a good wife. At 9 weeks I made the hardest decision I ever had to.

When I went in to take the Mifeprex my blood pressure was 89/59. They almost refused but I begged for mercy from the misery and they consented.  The next morning at around 8 am I vaginally inserted the Misoprostol and within 45 minutes I could feel my period coming down. It was so fast and almost painless. It was just a dull cramping 4 about 1 1/2 hours and then I passed the pregnancy.

I felt instant relief. I had no nausea or chills or fever like so many of the stories I had read. For the first time in weeks I actually ate a real meal. I didn’t get nauseated, it didn’t come up, and I was able to drink fluids. I felt like a different person. Afterwards, I was sad because it seems like I will never be able to carry another baby to term like I did with my son, but I was happy I had the abortion because it was the right thing to do. I am healthy now and I passed the baby yesterday. No fatigue and no sickness and my blood pressure is back normal. Don’t let anyone make you feel abortion is wrong. We all may do it for different reasons, but it is our personal right. Abortion saved my life and I am thankful that I did it. And yes I’m a Christian and yes I believe in God and I know God understands my story.

by Adele (Kansas)

In 2005, when I was 17, my virginity was robbed from me. I have gotten used to the idea that there are two of me: the one before the event, and me after the event. It happened when I was in high school, just months before graduation. I kept it a secret for years, because I felt like I had done something horrible.

Since I had been diagnosed with high functioning autism as an elementary schooler and struggle with social cues, I assumed all of his abuse was my fault. I have a hard time with body language, and he knew that, given that he was my boyfriend for months before the first offense happened. He took advantage of me anyway. The first time it happened, I said, “I’m not interested in sex.” I wanted to wait until I was married. He backed me into a corner, forced me to take some very strong prescription pain pills that pretty much knocked me unconscious, and disrobed me.

He had sex with me in spite of my wishes. The term “rape” was definitely not a word I used often; I don’t think I even knew what it meant at the time. Early the next morning, I drove to the nearest bakery, bought a cup of coffee, and sat in the booth looking out the window and cried. “What in the world just happened?” I thought to myself. I felt so disgusting that I thought everyone could read it on my forehead. All I wanted to do was take a hot bath. I came home and soaked myself in a tub for hours.

The horror continued throughout my last semester of high school. My abuser told everyone that it was something he really wanted to do with me, because he “loved” me. That was what I told everyone else too. I thought it was consensual. I finished my high school education completely oblivious to the fact that a felony had been committed against me. At 17, I just thought that it was unwanted sex. Secretly, I blamed my autism and myself: I thought it was “my fault” because I “wasn’t good socially”. To me, at the time, it wasn’t rape; it was just “bad sex”.

Something similar happened again a few months later when I started college. He kept prodding me for sexual activity. I wasn’t really interested at the time. “I really like you, but maybe later,” I said. It happened anyway. Several weeks later, in January 2006, I found out I was pregnant and my dad and I decided I’d have a medical abortion. This abusive man had sex with me repeatedly for two years before we finally broke up without asking my permission; and because of the intensity of the domestic violence present in our relationship, even psychologically, I could never freely say no. I am pretty sure a piece of me died then. I have spent the last four years trying to rebuild a life for myself.

Shortly after I turned 21 in 2008, a friend referred me to the rape center on my college center. Through the help of the Advocate at the center, I went from saying, “I had sex with him,” and finally learned how to say, “He raped me.” At the time, it was one of the worst things that had ever happened to me.

After therapy for about a year, I volunteered with the center and decided to raise awareness with a college group dedicated to the issue, until I resigned in late March 2010 due to graduation stresses.

Throughout my volunteer time, I realized that I wanted to help women who have experienced date rape (or any other kind of sexual crime, for that matter). In college, I became passionate about spreading awareness about the issues of sexual/domestic violence and abortion. Ultimately, music, my major at the time, became a field of study that I was pursuing only because I was nearly finished with it.

After I graduated college in May 2010, I spent a year in seminary in my hometown. I thought that a seminary degree would help me the most with helping other survivors. I left seminary, and started working as a Volunteer Advocate at a local nonprofit rape crisis center. Through that organization, I now speak publicly about my experience.

When I was in college, this was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Almost 2 years after my last therapy session for the rape, I have turned the bad into something good. Through the rape, I lost my youth, but have gained the ability to live more spiritually, live life to the fullest, and have a deeper compassion for others. I’ve grown into a woman that I am proud to call my friend, autistic disorder or not.

Presently, I am hoping to become a social worker. My career goal today is to work in the area of policy advocacy for an organization that works to prevent sexual and domestic violence and strives to keep abortion legal.

Ultimately, I would like to professionally spread awareness about these issues in various communities and legislative bodies. I want to educate others and reduce stigma that surrounds talking about these serious matters. My experience with rape, abortion, and the role that my advocates and therapists played in my healing made a profound impact on who I am today, and I really like that person. I only hope that one day I can provide as much hope and compassion to others as my advocate and therapists provided me.

by frommyheart (NY)

For the past two weeks I have been agonizing over my appointment to have an abortion today, psyching myself out, making myself sick. Not due to the fact that I was afraid I would regret my decision, just because I was afraid of the whole process. I was scared of a dirty hole in the wall clinic, mean staff that would rush me through, and worst case scenario where I would have unbelievable pain and bleeding.

I decided I wanted to find somewhere to share my story after my procedure, because I, like most of you who are searching for experiences online, wasn’t so much as interested in if someone felt bad after or not, if they regretted their decision and fell into depression (because I was set in my choice) I more so was looking for who was having the same exact procedure as me, how scary it was, how much it hurt, what would I expect afterwards. And because of all the agony I put MYSELF through waiting for this appointment, I wanted to let anyone know who is contemplating abortion, or who has an up and coming appointment, RELAX! Pleaseeee, relax, it’s nowhere near as bad as you’re making yourself think.

I’ll start from the very beginning.

It’s not unusual for me to be a week or so late for my period, and I never have been one to freak out when I am. But when I was working and went on lunch break to go to stop and shop with a friend of mine, she asked if I wanted to go halfs on a pregnancy test cause she thought she may be. I figured why not, no hurt in having one just in case.

I didn’t take the test for two days, my boyfriend (of just over a year) was at the mall with a few friends, and when I saw the two pink lines appear on the test, I went numb. I didn’t really freak out, I just called him, had him come over and talk about our options.
I knew right from the beginning that I could not keep it. I’m 20 years old, living with my parents, he lives with his, we’re stuck in car payments we can barely afford, working a part time job as a cna busting my ass for nothing. I haven’t been to school yet, and was not ready to give up my life. That may sound selfish, but I don’t believe it is. If I have a child, they WILL be spoiled, have everything they need, have my devoted attention, and right now, I couldn’t give any of that.

I didn’t want him to think he had no choice in this, but he wouldn’t tell me what he wanted to do until I told him what my choice would be. So I told him. He said okay. I had to ask him a million times to get it out of him that he wanted to keep it, and it was as simple as that sentence. No emotion from him, nothing.

We scheduled a doctor’s appointment to confirm with a blood test. The doc came in and said he had some “wild news”, I was pregnant. I broke down. I was devastated I was in this situation. It was the week before the holidays, and the blood test just confirmed all my slight hopes that maybe the home test was a false positive, maybe I did it wrong, maybe it was an evaporation line. It didn’t help the doctor was my boyfriends fathers drinking buddy.

I scheduled my appointment at Planned Parenthood. I didn’t really know where else to turn, everytime I googled abortion clinics they all were in the city.

So I went to have my first exam to find out how far along I was. Before this, I was reading a million stories online and decided I wanted to do it medically. The ultra sound revealed I was 6 weeks, 1 day.

I got through the holidays, having an appointment for the following week to return and get the pills.

During the meantime, I read more and and more stories about the pain, how long girls were bleeding, the blood clots, and the day of my appointment I called and told them I wouldn’t follow through, to schedule me for surgical. They couldn’t get me in for a week and a half. Fine, just try and live life as normal as possible.

Now waiting up until today, my boyfriend, I wouldn’t say he wasn’t supportive, but he just avoided the situation all together. Never really tried to talk about it, never really asked how I was. Never let me know what was going on inside his head. I received more support from my good friend on the phone in a ten minute conversation than I had from him for the past two weeks.

Last night, the night before, he finally broke down, telling me he just wants to keeo it so bad, it’s possible that we could do this, he doesn’t think he could live with himself after this, how he just so badly wants to be a father. That was fine and all, but it came two weeks two late and as I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for this, NOW you want MY support? Whatever, we talked a bit and went to sleep.

This morning getting ready and on the drive there I was strangely calm. I have a really bad anxiety disorder, and was surprised I wasn’t nervous the least bit. I knew I was getting an IV sedation, but my mouth was SO dry I took a few sips of water on the way there.
We arrived there, ten minutes early for my 8 am appointment. Other than the escort and the one nurse inside, we were the only ones there. We waited for them to unlock the door, checked in, she gave me a paper explaining what was happening today, what medicines I will be receiving and so on. She then called to collect my payment which me and my boyfriend split down the middle. Then I waited for another 5 minutes and they called me back.

The nurse asked me if I was sure I was set in my decision, I said absolutely, and that was that. No second questions about it, no trying to talk me out of it. She took my temperature, explained more about the medicine I will be getting.

They then brought me into the room where I was to get the ultra sound. The nurses were all wonderful, but this is when I started to get a little nervous.

She did the ultra sound vaginally, and was staring at the screen for a good five minutes with a weird look on her face and asked the other nurse who was getting my adivan (SP? for anxiety, helps to “relax”) to get the doctor to come look. Two more nurses came in, and then finally the doctor, who was wonderful. I was afraid they were going to tell me it was ectopic, but the doctor took over and told me what we have here is a failed pregnancy. There was a sac, but no fetal development.

He said from here you have three options:
1) You can go home and wait to miscarry, where you will have cramping, bleeding, and a lot of pain.
2) We can give you a medicine to kick start labor, and have you miscarry that way.
3) We continue the procedure already set in motion for today.

I chose the third option, considering I was already there, already decided I did NOT want to be home alone bleeding for who knows how long with the pain, and the fact I just paid 450 bucks for this.

They gave me the adivan, brought me into recovery where I waited about a half an hour. Now, this didn’t really make me relaxed, I definately felt out of it, but it didn’t help to calm my nerves. I went into the next room.

It looked like a regular doctors office, just larger with more equipment. I undressed again from the waste down, and as the nurse was starting my IV, the doctor said he was going to begin dilating me.

They were both talking to me, asking me what I did after I left high school and as I began to tell them, oh man, I felt that IV kick in. It had the sedative as well as pain medicine in it, and I started feeling so out of it. Not really sleepy, just.. LOOPY. Drunk almost. The doctor and nurse talked to me throughout, I barely felt ANY cramping until the end.

About four minutes in I asked the doctor if he was still prepping me, If he had started yet and he said, “Yeah! We’re almost done!”
I couldn’t believe it. I was expecting to be able to feel everything happening inside me, I didn’t feel a thing. I expected to hear some loud suction thing, nothing, totally silent. At the very end I felt a lot of pressure and uncomfortable cramping, the nurse told me that’s the worst of it, and then it was over. That cramping I felt wasn’t even near as bad as my period cramps!

The nurse told me how wonderful I did, how brave I was.

She helped me to get dressed and brought me into recovery again where I sat for a half an hour, they had me go check for blood, and there was NOTHING. Like, one smear of blood, nothing. I felt no cramping. They told me I was good to go.

Walked out to the waiting room to find my boyfriend sleeping, and left and went home, ate a banana, took my first dose of antibiotic and fell asleep for a good 5 hour nap.

I woke up about an hour ago, still like NO bleeding on the pad, haven’t had to change it yet, there’s more blood when I pee but not much. I still have no cramping (crosses fingers) and I feel like my old self.

I wanted to write this because I psyched myself out SO much for this. I know everything depends on where to go for the procedure, how nice and caring the staff are, and how you tolerate pain as a woman. But this experience for me, I was HAPPY when I walked out of there, almost excited because of how easily this went.

I know this isn’t the case with everyone, but I was so relieved to have learned that this was a failed pregnancy, it helps coping with the fact that I had planned to do this so much easier. I wouldn’t have regretted otherwise, but of course I would feel bad time to time.
For anyone considering this, and trying to decide between the pill and the surgical, go for the surgical. Get it all done in one shot, no more worries, no being alone, no being sick, it’s really NOT bad at ALL. You should be more nervous going to the dentist to get a tooth pulled, or a cavity filled, honestly.

I didn’t really go much into the emotional aspect of this, but if that’s what you’ve come here looking for, post a comment and I will gladly talk to you.

I had to go through this emotionally alone, and somewhat shut off my emotions, but they are still there, just feel no need to talk about it here.

It is very important you have someone that really connects with you, and gets you to go through this with you, because the WORST part is the waiting, and that’s when you’re gonna need someone the most.

If you don’t have that, relax, don’t freak yourself out, and you will get through it. Easy peasy.

With love, always, <333