It wasn’t the right time, the right relationship, the right anything for a pregnancy. It wasn’t right and by the time I realized I had put my life on cruise control and had stopped caring for the sake of not feeling, it was far too late, the damage was done.
I knew as soon as I’d read the result of the first test, and the next one after it. I wasn’t going to settle and give up my college dreams, to be stuck in our sinkhole town hopelessly lost in a relationship that was meant to keep me from ever seeing any of my ambitions realized. I wasn’t going to live that life. I do not regret having my abortion, despite all the conflicting feelings it caused, which were nearly all from my boyfriend at the time and he has never, to my knowledge, let it go. He paid for it, agreed to it, but he waited until the very end if our relationship to tell me. As I was finally breaking away and showing him it was over, he told me he never wanted me to abort. I knew it was because he’d have an excuse to keep me in his life, that one way or another, he would always have me backed into a corner, with a baby.
I remember being in the recovery room, lying back with my eyes closed. There was a young, pretty African-American woman to my left reclining too. She had turned to me and said “How far along were you?” It sounded like the way people in prison ask “What are you in for?” of “How long are you in for?” I told her how long and we looked at each other for a few seconds. It occurred to me we were both smiling and I closed my eyes again. She had told me with her eyes it would all be okay. I had said the exact same to her. Our time was up, we were out, and neither of us had a regret in the world about this decision.
I made my decision the moment both tests showed positive. I had made my peace. I knew I was going to be okay. I’m still okay three years later. I’m doing better than ever. I’ve made the Dean’s List twice and look forward to graduating in two years and keeping my dreams rolling, always ready to flower. I can never regret the choice I made and refuse to feel differently when someone passes judgment on me. That’s your life. This is mine. That wasn’t the right time, the right relationship, anything. I’m never going to live my life like that again. I’m living and loving and never regretting. You can’t tie me down; I’ve already been free for a long, long while.